The Wurrralllld Cup: What Will Happen – Part 1: The Group Stages

Posted: May 29, 2014 in Coming Soon, Fergie's Finest, Sportswriting

162800810_71d6b83d03_oWith just two weeks to go until the World Cup, folk are starting to get excited. Up and down the country England flags are draped outside windows, and stuck on cars. Panini stickers are flying off the shelves and school playgrounds reverberate to the beat of GOT! GOT! NEED! NEED! The media, which for months has been talking down England’s chances, has suddenly about-turned… We’re gonna win it.

_49659323_octopusIn order to calm everyone down, here’s something. I know exactly what will happen in Brazil. Paul the Octopus told me.So if you’re like me and can’t be arsed with it, here’s what will happen. Exactly what will happen:
 

THE WORLD CUP. GAME BY GAME, GROUP BY GROUP.

Group A

12 June 2014

Brazil v Croatia, Arena de Sao Paulo, Sao Paulo, 21:00 (ITV) 1-0

13 June 2014

Mexico v Cameroon, Arena das Dunas, Natal, 17:00 (ITV) 1-1

17 June 2014

Brazil v Mexico, Estadio Castelao, Fortaleza, 20:00 (BBC) 2-1

18 June 2014

Cameroon v Croatia, Arena Amazonia, Manaus, 23:00 (ITV) 0-1

23 June 2014

Cameroon v Brazil, Estadio Nacional, Brasilia, 21:00 (ITV) 1-2

23 June 2014

Croatia v Mexico, Arena Pernambuco, Recife, 21:00 (ITV) 4-1

Final Group Standings:

BRAZIL – 9

CROATIA – 6

MEXICO – 1

CAMEROON – 1

JavierHernandez_PaniniSticker_2010(Story of the group:

Hernandez top scores for Mexico, scoring in each game.

In the big match against Brazil he succeeds in kicking the ball into his own face and then it bounces in to give them a shock lead, before Neymar et al rectify things.)

 

 

Group B

13 June 2014

Spain v Netherlands, Arena Fonte Nova, Salvador, 20:00 (BBC) 1-0

13 June 2014

Chile v Australia, Arena Pantanal, Cuiaba, 23:00 (ITV) 2-0

18 June 2014

Spain v Chile, Estadio do Maracana, Rio de Janeiro, 20:00 (BBC) 1-0

18 June 2014

Australia v Netherlands, Estadio Beira-Rio, Porto Alegre, 17:00 (ITV) 0-2

23 June 2014

Australia v Spain, Arena da Baixada, Curitiba, 17:00 (ITV) 0-3

23 June 2014

Netherlands v Chile, Arena de Sao Paulo, Sao Paulo, 17:00 (ITV) 3-2

 

Final Group Standings:

SPAIN – 9

NETHERLANDS – 6

CHILE – 3

AUSTRALIA – 0

vangaal(Story of the group:

After defeat in their opening game, Van Gaal’s Dutch squad explode as tensions within the squad come to the fore. Van Persie and Robben are involved in a training ground bust-up and both sent home. Dirk Kuyt is an emergency call-up and scores 2 v Australia and then another brace to defeat Chile and drag the Oranje through to the knockout stages.)

 

Group C

14 June 2014

Colombia v Greece, Estadio Mineirao, Belo Horizonte, 17:00 (BBC) 0-0

15 June 2014

Ivory Coast v Japan, Arena Pernambuco, Recife, 02:00 (ITV) 1-1

19 June 2014

Colombia v Ivory Coast, Estadio Nacional, Brasilia, 17:00 (BBC) 2-1

19 June 2014

Japan v Greece, Arena das Dunas, Natal, 23:00 (BBC) 1-0

24 June 2014

Japan v Colombia, Arena Pantanal, Cuiaba, 21:00 (BBC) 1-1

24 June 2014

Greece v Ivory Coast, Estadio Castelao, Fortaleza, 21:00 (BBC) 0-0

 

Final Group Standings:

COLOMBIA – 5

JAPAN – 5

GREECE – 2

IVORY COAST – 2

parking-the-bus-21(Story of the group:

The group of boring-you to death. Few goals and very little excitement. Greece park 11 buses in each match, Yaya Toure is still clearly unfit for the Ivory Coast and they struggle. The good news is Colombia ‘fans’ manage not to shoot any of their full-backs for scoring own-goals, and Shinji Kagawa shines for Japan due to the fact tackling is not allowed in the World Cup.)

 

Group D – England (finally… and at last)

14 June 2014

Uruguay v Costa Rica, Estadio Castelao, Fortaleza, 20:00 (ITV) 3-0

chavstreet14 June 2014

Englandv Italy, Arena Amazonia, Manaus, 23:00 (BBC) 0-0

19 June 2014

Uruguay v England, Arena de Sao Paulo, Sao Paulo, 20:00 (ITV) 1-1

20 June 2014

Italy v Costa Rica, Arena Pernambuco, Recife, 17:00 (BBC) 4-0

24 June 2014

Italy v Uruguay, Arena das Dunas, Natal, 17:00 (ITV) 0-0

24 June 2014

Costa Rica v England, Estadio Mineirao, Belo Horizonte, 17:00 (ITV) 1-3

 

Final Group Standings:

ITALY – 5

URUGUAY – 5

ENGLAND – 5

COSTA RICA – 0

he-cheats-he-dives-he-hates-the-jackson-5-luis-suarez(Story of the group:

After 2 hard-fought draws in the opening fixtures England goes World Cup crazy, however Italy and Uruguay play out a 0-0 draw to qualify at the expense of ‘the Three Lions’. Suarez misses a penalty on purpose with 2 mins to go, after diving to win it in the first place. Over in Belo Horizonte, it is clear England won’t go down without a fight however. Rooney is sent off for punching the Costa Rican goalkeeper after his persistent time-wasting, and then blamed in all the papers for England’s early exit – there are effigies of him hung outside pubs in East London. This despite the fact that the single goal which sees England exit the competition – the one lost against Costa Rica – is a result of ANOTHER Gerrard slip which he spends the rest of the match trying to make-up for by shooting from goal-kicks.)

 

Group E

15 June 2014

Switzerland v Ecuador, Estadio Nacional, Brasilia, 17:00 (ITV) 1-1

15 June 2014

France v Honduras, Estadio Beira-Rio, Porto Alegre, 20:00 (BBC) 2-0

20 June 2014

Switzerland v France, Arena Fonte Nova, Salvador, 20:00 (ITV) 1-2

20 June 2014

Honduras v Ecuador, Arena da Baixada, Curitiba, 23:00 (ITV) 0-1

25 June 2014

Honduras v Switzerland, Arena Amazonia, Manaus, 21:00 (BBC) 0-0

25 June 2014

Ecuador v France, Estadio do Maracana, Rio de Janeiro, 21:00 (BBC) 1-2

 

Final Standings:

FRANCE – 9

ECUADOR – 4

SWITZERLAND – 2

HONDURAS – 1

patriceevra_dxhtylxwpkpa1qpbdf9ed28fb(Story of the group:

Antonio Valencia shines for Ecuador before getting injured in the defeat to France, having been clattered by Evra. Evra claims he doesn’t care who France get in the next round as long as it’s Uruguay. He fancies putting Suarez out of the World Cup.)

 

Group F

15 June 2014

Argentina v Bosnia-Hercegovina, Estadio do Maracana, Rio de Janeiro, 23:00 (BBC) 2-1

16 June 2014

Iran v Nigeria, Arena da Baixada, Curitiba, 20:00 (BBC) 0-1

21 June 2014

Argentina v Iran, Estadio Mineirao, Belo Horizonte, 17:00 (ITV) 3-1

21 June 2014

Nigeria v Bosnia-Hercegovina, Arena Pantanal, Cuiaba, 23:00 (BBC) 0-2

25 June 2014

Nigeria v Argentina, Estadio Beira-Rio, Porto Alegre, 17:00 (ITV) 3-3

25 June 2014

Bosnia-Hercegovina v Iran, Arena Fonte Nova, Salvador, 17:00 (ITV) 2-0

 

Final Group Standings:

ARGENTINA – 7

BOSNIA – 6

NIGERIA – 4

IRAN – 0

messi(Story of the group:

Messi flatters to deceive for Argentina, before bagging a hat-trick in a topsy-turvy final group game against Nigeria.

For Bosnia, Edin Dzeko top-scores.)

 

Group G

16 June 2014

Germany v Portugal, Arena Fonte Nova, Salvador, 17:00 (ITV) 2-0

16 June 2014

Ghana v United States, Arena das Dunas, Natal, 23:00 (BBC) 0-1

21 June 2014

Germany v Ghana, Estadio Castelao, Fortaleza, 20:00 (BBC) 4-2

22 June 2014

United States v Portugal, Arena Amazonia, Manaus, 23:00 (BBC) 2-3

26 June 2014

United States v Germany, Arena Pernambuco, Recife, 17:00 (BBC) 0-3

26 June 2014

Portugal v Ghana, Estadio Nacional, Brasilia, 17:00 (BBC) 1-0

 

Final Group Standings:

GERMANY – 9

PORTUGAL – 6

UNITED STATES – 3

GHANA – 0

206202(Story of the group:

Ronaldo sets the record for most shots by a single player in a World Cup game, refusing to pass to any of his teammates EVER. Especially Nani. Ronny cries as they lose their opener against Germany, but comes good against the USA, bagging the World Cup’s first hat-trick – this is later trumped by Messi’s ‘perfect’ hat-trick in another group. Germany breeze it, though Mesut Ozil is booed throughout.)

 

Group H

17 June 2014

Belgium v Algeria, Estadio Mineirao, Belo Horizonte, 17:00 (ITV) 1-0

17 June 2014

Russia v South Korea, Arena Pantanal, Cuiaba, 23:00 (BBC) 2-1

22 June 2014

Belgium v Russia, Estadio do Maracana, Rio de Janeiro, 17:00 (BBC) 1-0

22 June 2014

South Korea v Algeria, Estadio Beira-Rio, Porto Alegre, 20:00 (ITV) 1-1

26 June 2014

South Korea v Belgium, Arena de Sao Paulo, Sao Paulo, 21:00 (ITV) 1-1

26 June 2014

Algeria v Russia, Arena da Baixada, Curitiba, 21:00 (ITV) 0-1

 

Final Group Standings:

BELGIUM – 7

RUSSIA – 6

SOUTH KOREA – 2

ALGERIA – 1

576(Story of the group:

Fellaini stars for Belgium, bullying Algeria into submission in the manner he used to against United. Januzaj comes on as a late substitute in the final group game against South Korea and breezes past Park Ji Sung to bag the equaliser, prompting calls for him to have a starting-place.)

 

TUNE IN TOMORROW TO FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS IN THE SECOND ROUND AND THE QUARTER-FINALS…

Or read more of my sportswriting here.

 

Advertisements
Comments
  1. […] And I thought now would be a good time to revisit my World Cup Paul the Octopus predictions – https://paintthistownred.wordpress.com/2014/05/29/the-world-cup-what-will-happen-part-1/ – to see how I’d got on… And my conclusion is that I’m not a very good […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s