The Wurrralllld Cup: What Will Happen – Part 2: The 2nd Round and Quarter-Finals

Posted: May 30, 2014 in Coming Soon, Fergie's Finest, Sportswriting

panini-america-2014-fifa-world-cup-brazil-sticker-teaser-20The second in my series of World Cup predos sees us through to the knockout stages of the competition, sadly without England, who’ve come home too soon, despite the express orders of Del Amitri… But Luis Suarez is dragging Uruguay through the tournament kicking and screaming, hosts Brazil remain, and Ronaldo and Messi are engaged in their own personal World Cup shoot-out for their respective countries…

Second round

28 June 2014

Second-round 1:

BRAZIL v NETHERLANDS, Estadio Mineirao, Belo Horizonte, 17:00 1-1 (Brazil win 4-3 on pens)

33(Story of the game:

Van Gaal is down to just 11 players who’ll wear the shirt after more walk-outs. Full-back Alex Buttner gets a game. His big pal Van Persie comes back into the fold but misses the vital penalty, trying a ‘Panenka’ chip. Van Gaal says he is looking forward to working with a less volatile group of players at United. Rio Ferdinand criticizes the Dutch boss’s team selection on Twitter.)

28 June 2014

Second-round 2:

COLOMBIA v URUGUAY, Estadio do Maracana, Rio de Janeiro, 21:00 0-1

article-1291702-0A4DF706000005DC-274_306x423(Story of the game:

Suarez is embroiled in a Rijkaard-style spitting controversy in the first-half, but survives into the second, where he catches a Cavani cross and then dives rugby-league style for the goal-line to secure the winning try.)

 

29 June 2014

Second-round 3:

SPAIN v CROATIA, Estadio Castelao, Fortaleza, 17:00 1-0 (aet)

108(Story of the game:

Spain simply can’t score. They have 99% possession against an obdurate Croatia, but fail to have a single shot on target until, in extra time, Xavi tries to pick out Pedro by the corner flag and his searching ball takes a wicked deflection off a Croatian centre-back and crawls into the net.)

 

29 June 2014

Second-round 4:

ITALY v JAPAN, Arena Pernambuco, Recife, 21:00 2-0

335(Story of the game:

Mario Balotelli scores twice, but spoils it all by celebrating the second goal by attacking the advertising hoardings, Temuri Ketsbaia ‘bald Georgian nutter’ style, breaking all of his metatarsals in the process.)

 

30 June 2014

Second-round 5:

FRANCE v BOSNIA, Estadio Nacional, Brasilia, 17:00 2-1

377(Story of the game:

Karim Benzema and Samir Nasri give the French safe passage into the Quarter-Finals. Patrice Evra says he wants Uruguay next.)

 

30 June 2014

Second-round 6:

GERMANY v RUSSIA, Estadio Beira-Rio, Porto Alegre, 21:00 3-2

panini-sticker-deutschland-wm-2014(Story of the game:

Thomas Muller, Marco Reus and Toni Kroos all score for a rampant Germany. All three are asked after the game whether they intend to join Manchester United. They look bemused. Muller asks: “That Moyes isn’t still in charge there is he?”)

 

1 July 2014

Second-round 7:

ARGENTINA v ECUADOR, Arena de Sao Paulo, Sao Paulo, 17:00 4-1

TRASLADO A CLÍNICA PSIQUIÁTRICA(Story of the game:

Messi bags his second hat-trick in two games and celebrates with a simple shrug. Diego Maradona says he is still the best player that ever lived, despite Messi’s heroics.)

 

1 July 2014

Second-round 8:

BELGIUM v PORTUGAL, Arena Fonte Nova, Salvador, 21:00 0-0 (Belgium win 5-4 on pens)

cristiano-ronaldo-hairstyle-2014-6(Story of the game:

Ronaldo tries 90 shots and manages to hit post, bar, the ‘keeper, but can’t find the net. His penalty in the shoot-out tears the net out of the back of the goal, but Courtois saves Nani’s last-kick for the Portuguese and Portugal are out. Ronaldo cries.)

 

Quarter-finals

4 July 2014

Quarter-final 1:

FRANCE v GERMANY, Estadio do Maracana, Rio de Janeiro, 17:00 1-1 (Germany win 3-1 on pens)

505(Story of the game:

A fractious, ill-tempered game. France look like they’ve won it, but Thomas Muller provides a late, late show to take it to penalties.)

 

4 July 2014

Quarter-final 2:

BRAZIL v URUGUAY, Estadio Castelao, Fortaleza, 21:00 1-2 (aet)

suazrez(Story of the game:

Luis Suarez stamps on the referee in the first minute, but is allowed to stay on the field. Whistles follow his every touch of the ball, but he keeps his head down and, in a redemption song as good as the one which saw him go from biting racist to winner of the football writers’ player of the year, he scores the winner. With his teeth. A nation cries as hard as Ronaldo as the hosts are out.)

 

5 July 2014

Quarter-final 3:

ARGENTINA v BELGIUM, Estadio Nacional, Brasilia, 17:00 0-0 (Argentina win 5-3 on pens)

argentina-carlos-tevez-124-panini-south-africa-2010-fifa-world-cup-sticker-38785-p(Story of the game:

Carlos Tevez scores the winning penalty and lifts his Argentina jersey to reveal a tee-shirt emblazoned with the legend ‘YOU SHOULD HAVE SIGNED ME FERGIE’.)

 

5 July 2014

Quarter-final 4:

SPAIN v ITALY, Arena Fonte Nova, Salvador, 21:00 1-0 (aet)

119(Story of the game:

Spain pass the Italians to sleep. Italy, for whom talisman Balotelli is missing, simply don’t have it in them to get back in the game after an Iniesta goal early in extra time.)

 

TUNE IN TOMORROW TO DISCOVER WHO MAKES IT THROUGH A BRACE OF TENSE SEMI-FINALS AND INTO… DUH DUH DUUUUHHH… THE WURRALLLLD CUP FINAL.

And tune in here to read more of AJ Kirby’s sportswriting.

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