The Wurrralllld Cup: What Will Happen – Part 3: The Semi-Finals

Posted: May 31, 2014 in Coming Soon, Fergie's Finest, Sportswriting

And so, we move into the business end of the tournament. There are four teams still standing (though Suarez’s teeth are offside).


8 July 2014

Semi-final 1:

GERMANY v URUGUAY, Estadio Mineirao, Belo Horizonte, 21:00 2-1

wc14sticker502(Story of the game:

Suarez nets early, after throwing himself to the ground at a corner with no German defender within ten feet of him. He scores his penalty after poking the German ‘keeper in the eye. But Germany fight back after this early setback. Toni Kroos equalizes on the stroke of half-time and then Marco Reus scores the winner.

Afterwards, both are asked about rumours linking them with Old Trafford. Both are bemused, again, and ask whether they can talk about reaching the World Cup final instead. They reckon they’ve got the whole summer to string United along, Fabregas-style, before they sign new contracts with their respective clubs.)


9 July 2014

Semi-final 2:

ARGENTINA v SPAIN, Arena de Sao Paulo, Sao Paulo, 21:00 4-0

413(Story of the game:

Lionel Messi, the darling of Barcelona, denies the country in which he plays his football in the same way Maradona did in Italia ‘90. He scores four, and each one is a hammer-blow for the tika-taka style. It’s rather like Bayern, when they beat Barca 7-0 on aggregate in last year’s Champions League semi-final… Or like what Real Madrid did to Guardiola’s Bayern in this year’s Champions League.

Argentina are made slight favourites for a final which will be a repeat of 1986 and 1990.)


Bonus Round – Third-place match

12 July 2014

URUGUAY v SPAIN, Estadio Nacional, Brasilia, 21:00 1-0

278(Story of the game:

Suarez is so determined to be ‘the number 1 loser’ that he bites, spits, pinches, scratches, moans his way to secure a victory against a clearly-shattered Spain side who’ve now failed to defend their title at last.

Suarez scores the winner after sticking the ball up his shirt and running the length of the pitch with it. When he reaches the six-yard box, he pauses to remove the ball, and to heat-butt Iker Casillas in the Spanish goal. Then he throws the ball in the back of the net.

He celebrates by throwing a banana at a black face in the crowd.)


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