The Wurrralllld Cup: What Will Happen – Part 4: The Final

Posted: June 1, 2014 in Coming Soon, Fergie's Finest, Sportswriting

wc stickerWorld Cup Final

13 July 2014

GERMANY v ARGENTINA, Estadio do Maracana, Rio de Janeiro, 20:00 0-0 (Germany win on penalties. Germany always win on penalties – copyright Gary Lineker)

(Story of the game:

o-KEANE-570A repeat of the 1990 and 1986 finals. The game is shown on BBC and ITV, but only two people tune in to watch Adrian Chiles et al on ITV. During the Group stages, pitch-side at a seemingly irrelevant game between Iran and Nigeria, Roy Keane walked out on Chiles and Lee Dixon after telling them neither of them were ‘prepared enough’ to name the Iranian full-back.

Keane-less, the ITV squad are rudderless, and so the nation watches on the Beeb, where Jose Mourinho is the star turn as a pundit. Mourinho calls the Argentina goalkeeper a clown in the manner of Brian Clough, and this seems to inspire the stopper to pull off a miraculous display to keep the Germans out in the first half.

Carlos Tevez nearly scores with a typically scurrying run into the German defence late on, but the first half ends scoreless.

1006367_10151631601608030_2064483208_nIn the second half the game becomes even less expansive, and goalmouth action is at a premium. Germany bring on the hapless Mesut Ozil to try and unlock the Argentinian defence, but he drifts around aimlessly.

Messi, who picked up a slight knock in the Semi, is clearly knackered, but keeps going to hit the post in the last minute of normal time. Extra time follows the same pattern, and finally we’re on to penalties. Germany win. Football is a simple game. It’s eleven men against eleven men for ninety minutes of sheer hell. Then Germany win on penalties.

kroosGary Linker says exactly this twenty-eight times until the Alan Hansen-bot Model T-200 explodes, showering the thatched-roof head of Mark Lawrenson with wires and brain matter. As the trophy is being lifted, a TV reporter asks Toni Kroos whether he’s now looking forward to setting pen to paper on a contract with Manchester United.

Kroos doesn’t sign, but United do secure the services of the Iranian full-back who was at the centre of the Keane Walk Out Row and they also pick up a couple of Chelsea reserves on the cheap. Transfer supremo and Wicker Man star Edward Woodward claims United were never interested in Kroos in the first place and the ‘negotiators’ involved were imposters. He also claims United are now setting their sights on Cesc Fabregas.)


Front and Back Cover Sneak PreviewWatch this space for exciting news regarding the publication of my second Manchester United book The Pride of All Europe: A History of Manchester United’s European Cup Adventures…

Or if you can’t wait for that, check out Fergie’s Finest, which is available from here.

  1. […] Although a good deal of what I’ve predicted for this World Cup in Brazil has been complete and utter b@*&ocks I did get the Suarez taking leave of his senses part bang on and I also got Germany reaching the final CORRECT. […]

  2. […] been kicking myself ever since it was confirmed the final would be between Germany and Argentina, just as I crystal-balled here. I also predicted the winners, and the fact the game would drag out into extra time. (And I […]

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