With just two weeks to go until the World Cup, folk are starting to get excited. Up and down the country England flags are draped outside windows, and stuck on cars. Panini stickers are flying off the shelves and school playgrounds reverberate to the beat of GOT! GOT! NEED! NEED! The media, which for months has been talking down England’s chances, has suddenly about-turned… We’re gonna win it.
In order to calm everyone down, here’s something. I know exactly what will happen in Brazil. Paul the Octopus told me.So if you’re like me and can’t be arsed with it, here’s what will happen. Exactly what will happen:
THE WORLD CUP. GAME BY GAME, GROUP BY GROUP.
Group A
12 June 2014
Brazil v Croatia, Arena de Sao Paulo, Sao Paulo, 21:00 (ITV) 1-0
13 June 2014
Mexico v Cameroon, Arena das Dunas, Natal, 17:00 (ITV) 1-1
17 June 2014
Brazil v Mexico, Estadio Castelao, Fortaleza, 20:00 (BBC) 2-1
18 June 2014
Cameroon v Croatia, Arena Amazonia, Manaus, 23:00 (ITV) 0-1
23 June 2014
Cameroon v Brazil, Estadio Nacional, Brasilia, 21:00 (ITV) 1-2
23 June 2014
Croatia v Mexico, Arena Pernambuco, Recife, 21:00 (ITV) 4-1
Final Group Standings:
BRAZIL – 9
CROATIA – 6
MEXICO – 1
CAMEROON – 1
(Story of the group:
Hernandez top scores for Mexico, scoring in each game.
In the big match against Brazil he succeeds in kicking the ball into his own face and then it bounces in to give them a shock lead, before Neymar et al rectify things.)
Group B
13 June 2014
Spain v Netherlands, Arena Fonte Nova, Salvador, 20:00 (BBC) 1-0
13 June 2014
Chile v Australia, Arena Pantanal, Cuiaba, 23:00 (ITV) 2-0
18 June 2014
Spain v Chile, Estadio do Maracana, Rio de Janeiro, 20:00 (BBC) 1-0
18 June 2014
Australia v Netherlands, Estadio Beira-Rio, Porto Alegre, 17:00 (ITV) 0-2
23 June 2014
Australia v Spain, Arena da Baixada, Curitiba, 17:00 (ITV) 0-3
23 June 2014
Netherlands v Chile, Arena de Sao Paulo, Sao Paulo, 17:00 (ITV) 3-2
Final Group Standings:
SPAIN – 9
NETHERLANDS – 6
CHILE – 3
AUSTRALIA – 0
(Story of the group:
After defeat in their opening game, Van Gaal’s Dutch squad explode as tensions within the squad come to the fore. Van Persie and Robben are involved in a training ground bust-up and both sent home. Dirk Kuyt is an emergency call-up and scores 2 v Australia and then another brace to defeat Chile and drag the Oranje through to the knockout stages.)
Group C
14 June 2014
Colombia v Greece, Estadio Mineirao, Belo Horizonte, 17:00 (BBC) 0-0
15 June 2014
Ivory Coast v Japan, Arena Pernambuco, Recife, 02:00 (ITV) 1-1
19 June 2014
Colombia v Ivory Coast, Estadio Nacional, Brasilia, 17:00 (BBC) 2-1
19 June 2014
Japan v Greece, Arena das Dunas, Natal, 23:00 (BBC) 1-0
24 June 2014
Japan v Colombia, Arena Pantanal, Cuiaba, 21:00 (BBC) 1-1
24 June 2014
Greece v Ivory Coast, Estadio Castelao, Fortaleza, 21:00 (BBC) 0-0
Final Group Standings:
COLOMBIA – 5
JAPAN – 5
GREECE – 2
IVORY COAST – 2
(Story of the group:
The group of boring-you to death. Few goals and very little excitement. Greece park 11 buses in each match, Yaya Toure is still clearly unfit for the Ivory Coast and they struggle. The good news is Colombia ‘fans’ manage not to shoot any of their full-backs for scoring own-goals, and Shinji Kagawa shines for Japan due to the fact tackling is not allowed in the World Cup.)
Group D – England (finally… and at last)
14 June 2014
Uruguay v Costa Rica, Estadio Castelao, Fortaleza, 20:00 (ITV) 3-0
14 June 2014
Englandv Italy, Arena Amazonia, Manaus, 23:00 (BBC) 0-0
19 June 2014
Uruguay v England, Arena de Sao Paulo, Sao Paulo, 20:00 (ITV) 1-1
20 June 2014
Italy v Costa Rica, Arena Pernambuco, Recife, 17:00 (BBC) 4-0
24 June 2014
Italy v Uruguay, Arena das Dunas, Natal, 17:00 (ITV) 0-0
24 June 2014
Costa Rica v England, Estadio Mineirao, Belo Horizonte, 17:00 (ITV) 1-3
Final Group Standings:
ITALY – 5
URUGUAY – 5
ENGLAND – 5
COSTA RICA – 0
(Story of the group:
After 2 hard-fought draws in the opening fixtures England goes World Cup crazy, however Italy and Uruguay play out a 0-0 draw to qualify at the expense of ‘the Three Lions’. Suarez misses a penalty on purpose with 2 mins to go, after diving to win it in the first place. Over in Belo Horizonte, it is clear England won’t go down without a fight however. Rooney is sent off for punching the Costa Rican goalkeeper after his persistent time-wasting, and then blamed in all the papers for England’s early exit – there are effigies of him hung outside pubs in East London. This despite the fact that the single goal which sees England exit the competition – the one lost against Costa Rica – is a result of ANOTHER Gerrard slip which he spends the rest of the match trying to make-up for by shooting from goal-kicks.)
Group E
15 June 2014
Switzerland v Ecuador, Estadio Nacional, Brasilia, 17:00 (ITV) 1-1
15 June 2014
France v Honduras, Estadio Beira-Rio, Porto Alegre, 20:00 (BBC) 2-0
20 June 2014
Switzerland v France, Arena Fonte Nova, Salvador, 20:00 (ITV) 1-2
20 June 2014
Honduras v Ecuador, Arena da Baixada, Curitiba, 23:00 (ITV) 0-1
25 June 2014
Honduras v Switzerland, Arena Amazonia, Manaus, 21:00 (BBC) 0-0
25 June 2014
Ecuador v France, Estadio do Maracana, Rio de Janeiro, 21:00 (BBC) 1-2
Final Standings:
FRANCE – 9
ECUADOR – 4
SWITZERLAND – 2
HONDURAS – 1
(Story of the group:
Antonio Valencia shines for Ecuador before getting injured in the defeat to France, having been clattered by Evra. Evra claims he doesn’t care who France get in the next round as long as it’s Uruguay. He fancies putting Suarez out of the World Cup.)
Group F
15 June 2014
Argentina v Bosnia-Hercegovina, Estadio do Maracana, Rio de Janeiro, 23:00 (BBC) 2-1
16 June 2014
Iran v Nigeria, Arena da Baixada, Curitiba, 20:00 (BBC) 0-1
21 June 2014
Argentina v Iran, Estadio Mineirao, Belo Horizonte, 17:00 (ITV) 3-1
21 June 2014
Nigeria v Bosnia-Hercegovina, Arena Pantanal, Cuiaba, 23:00 (BBC) 0-2
25 June 2014
Nigeria v Argentina, Estadio Beira-Rio, Porto Alegre, 17:00 (ITV) 3-3
25 June 2014
Bosnia-Hercegovina v Iran, Arena Fonte Nova, Salvador, 17:00 (ITV) 2-0
Final Group Standings:
ARGENTINA – 7
BOSNIA – 6
NIGERIA – 4
IRAN – 0
(Story of the group:
Messi flatters to deceive for Argentina, before bagging a hat-trick in a topsy-turvy final group game against Nigeria.
For Bosnia, Edin Dzeko top-scores.)
Group G
16 June 2014
Germany v Portugal, Arena Fonte Nova, Salvador, 17:00 (ITV) 2-0
16 June 2014
Ghana v United States, Arena das Dunas, Natal, 23:00 (BBC) 0-1
21 June 2014
Germany v Ghana, Estadio Castelao, Fortaleza, 20:00 (BBC) 4-2
22 June 2014
United States v Portugal, Arena Amazonia, Manaus, 23:00 (BBC) 2-3
26 June 2014
United States v Germany, Arena Pernambuco, Recife, 17:00 (BBC) 0-3
26 June 2014
Portugal v Ghana, Estadio Nacional, Brasilia, 17:00 (BBC) 1-0
Final Group Standings:
GERMANY – 9
PORTUGAL – 6
UNITED STATES – 3
GHANA – 0
(Story of the group:
Ronaldo sets the record for most shots by a single player in a World Cup game, refusing to pass to any of his teammates EVER. Especially Nani. Ronny cries as they lose their opener against Germany, but comes good against the USA, bagging the World Cup’s first hat-trick – this is later trumped by Messi’s ‘perfect’ hat-trick in another group. Germany breeze it, though Mesut Ozil is booed throughout.)
Group H
17 June 2014
Belgium v Algeria, Estadio Mineirao, Belo Horizonte, 17:00 (ITV) 1-0
17 June 2014
Russia v South Korea, Arena Pantanal, Cuiaba, 23:00 (BBC) 2-1
22 June 2014
Belgium v Russia, Estadio do Maracana, Rio de Janeiro, 17:00 (BBC) 1-0
22 June 2014
South Korea v Algeria, Estadio Beira-Rio, Porto Alegre, 20:00 (ITV) 1-1
26 June 2014
South Korea v Belgium, Arena de Sao Paulo, Sao Paulo, 21:00 (ITV) 1-1
26 June 2014
Algeria v Russia, Arena da Baixada, Curitiba, 21:00 (ITV) 0-1
Final Group Standings:
BELGIUM – 7
RUSSIA – 6
SOUTH KOREA – 2
ALGERIA – 1
(Story of the group:
Fellaini stars for Belgium, bullying Algeria into submission in the manner he used to against United. Januzaj comes on as a late substitute in the final group game against South Korea and breezes past Park Ji Sung to bag the equaliser, prompting calls for him to have a starting-place.)
TUNE IN TOMORROW TO FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS IN THE SECOND ROUND AND THE QUARTER-FINALS…
Or read more of my sportswriting here.